The past couple of years have changed me tremendously, they’ve questioned my judgements, my existence – the reason for my existence and the force that drives me to get along with life. They broke me and moulded me and I’m fond of the outcome.
I was a book with fixed morals and set notions and I very much abided by them and that’s all. No change, no growth. No adventure!
Life today is nothing like the past two years but I’m still the outcome of them. These strong morals and values have been, sometimes by the circumstance, sometimes by me, questioned time and again. My flexible reaction to the situation contradicted with my fixed morals and created severe conflict. I sank pretty deep in no time. It led to some serious consequences – self beating and lack of self knowledge.
For starters, I was relieved to see Celine as lost and cynical as me.
I have a major conflict going on within me right now, post watching Before Sunset – I’d love for it to be explained to me through someone else’s understanding.
Okay so, Celine saw Jesse’s article in a newspaper, she waited for a month for him to come to Paris and she met him. Jesse was thrilled to see her, as was she. It was perfect! They made up for the ‘6 months’ goof up after ‘9 years’ but it seemed like better late than never. It was tear-inducing in parts and also so joyful. There was intense sexual tension that came across rather beautifully and they both looked stunning after all those years.
But my worry here is, Celine has a war-photographer boyfriend in the current phase. Jesse is married and has a 4 year old kid.
Celine read that article and knew he’s married, she still went, to see him. To see how it would’ve been had she gone to the station and had he come there too. I mean, Jesse had been writing that book for 3-4 years, and he’s married since 4 years, so he’s pretty much lived her through his married years.
Isn’t that morally wrong?
There was this serious guilt I kept feeling that just wouldn’t leave.
Maybe Celine still loved her war-photographer boyfriend as much as she did before, she was happy before Jesse stirred her life up with his book.
She did wrong but she was curious. She missed something in life and maybe what she missed she ‘thought’ would be at the bookstore.
Okay so now, Jesse is our hero but imagine if he wasn’t!
Celine meets him at the bookstore and he’s this nose-digging, cynic who frowns at compliments – he’s still the guy she spent the night with 9 years ago.
Maybe she’d be sure then that he’s not THE ONE! He never was.
Maybe she just went there to get rid of the curiosity that lies in the ‘what if’. Maybe she went there to answer the question – ‘I’m giving love all I can, but why doesn’t love love me back?’
“So what happened in that conversation between you and Jesse, Celine?”
“I made a couple of sex jokes and he made me sit on his lap – it was meant as a joke!”
“GO TO HELL, IT’S OVER!”
“But.. but I love YOU..”
Because even if Jesse was as awesome as he is, and as much as he waited for me and saw me moments before his wedding and wrote a book about me, I maybe would have met him – but considered it wrong.
And I hate this. I hate being 23 (When Celine and Jesse first met) and acting 32 (When they met again).
I hate being so morally driven and I hate killing myself for unintentionally breaking those morals.
I hate being so hard on myself!
As I watch Jesse sit there on her couch, just an hour to go for his flight, with his moist eyes, my eyes moisten. And I wonder!
Am I not rooting for them?
Are they not hurting two completely unaware people?
Isn’t this wrong?
But isn’t it pure at the same time?
Maybe they’re just finishing off old business and will never reunite, but what if this day scars them for life?
What if this action defines who they end up being?
And how much and for how long they should suffer before they’re left to suffer alone?
God! This is the downside of Cinema, it stirs and shakes me up. It also, shapes me up.
It’s okay to fuck up. It’s okay.